By Sergey

Aliyev attends opening ceremony of new Elite Tent City near Baku

BAKU  - Early on Tuesday, President of Azerbaijan, Ilham Aliyev, announced the country’s strategic plans for the coming decade. The President assured that with the continued current economic growth and a smart spending policy, the Government will be able to increase the number of Azerbaijani refugees and internally displaced persons from one to four million as early as the year 2020.

Aliyev called the project “Azerbaijan 2020″ and promised an increase in government support in order to achieve the new milestone in the war against Armenia.

“Despite the relative truce over Karabakh, we work relentlessly to defeat Armenia. With every year our economy affords us more and more refugees,” claimed Azerbaijani president. “Just imagine 4 million pairs of eyes sadly looking at the Europeans, Americans and Russians.. Think of the volume of pro-Azerbaijani sentiments to be generated!” Read more…

By Sergey

PACE session torpedoed by Azerbaijani delegate

 STRASBOURG, France – Unprecedented diplomatic scandal broke out early Monday, as head of the Azerbaijani delegation to European Council Samad Seyidov unexpectedly torpedoed speech by Armenian delegate Armen Rustamyan. Azerbaijani diplomat generated a dramatic fart just as the Armenian delegation was justifying the right of people of Nagorno-Karabakh for self-determination. Sources report unusual tension and concentration on Seyidov’s face for ten minutes prior to the unleashed inappropriateness. Read more…

By Sergey

Aliev Performing Anniversary Threat

Azerbaijan, Baku - A festive ceremony involving President Ilham Aliev and key government officials featured a long-expected speech by leader of the country. A landmark threat to wipe out Armenian forces from Karabakh was attended by representatives of international organizations, embassies and reporters.

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By Sergey

U.S. does not give up on democracy prospects in Armenia

 On Monday U.S. Embassy unveiled a new program that will help Armenian government in fight against assholes on grassroots level, as well as in government institutions. The new “Anti-asshole Action Project” (AAP) is sponsored by the United States Agency for International Development.

 USAID Mission Director introduced the new program: “Our new strategy is to combine all the anti-corruption, anti-trafficking and anti-fraud programs into a single comprehensive anti-asshole initiative to address Armenia’s main challenge in democratic development. This program is expected to help Armenia follow its international commitment to combat assholes.” Read more…

By Narek

Aliyev Bans Prunus Armeniaca

Government of Azerbaijan finally decided to ban apricots on entire territory of the country. Yesterday evening President Ilham Aliyev addressed the population via television, interrupting the broadcast of everyone’s favorite historic documentary “Ahmed and Tofik Discover America”. Irritation of the viewers grew even more when the President uttered the following words: “Because of its distinctive Armenian, hence anti-Azeri origins, apricots also known as Prunus armeniaca will be banned for eternity”.

Aliyev underlined that capital punishment will be applied to anyone who consumes, stores, thinks, writes about or even paints apricots. As for the 32 tonnes of apricots remaining in the country at the given moment, they will be all collected by Ministry of National Security. Read more…