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Azerbaijan Bans Apricots

BAKU, Government of Azerbaijan finally decided to ban apricots on entire territory of the country. Yesterday evening President Ilham Aliyev addressed the population via television, interrupting the broadcast of everyone’s favorite historic documentary “Ahmed and Tofik Discover America”.

Irritation of the viewers grew even more when the President uttered the following words: “Because of its distinctive Armenian, hence anti-Azeri origins, apricots also known as Prunus armeniaca will be banned for eternity”.

Aliyev underlined that capital punishment will be applied to anyone who consumes, stores, thinks, writes about or even paints apricots. As for the 32 tonnes of apricots remaining in the country at the given moment, they will be all collected by Ministry of National Security.

Further plans were disclosed during the press conference given by the Minister of National Security Mahmud Brnipakiev: “The 32 tonnes of illegal apricots will be fed to the 43 Azeri traitors, who voted for Armenia during Eurovision song contest.”

Apricot Ban to Prevent Further Loss of Territories
Apricot Ban to Prevent Further Loss of Territories

Brnipakiev was followed by Azerbaijan’s Surgeon General who warned the populace about harmful effects consumption of apricots has. “Our researches identified that consumption of apricots provokes patients to handover lands to hostile countries. That is why in order to prevent further loss of territory we must cease eating apricots.”

The 43 Azeri fans of somewhat overweight, overly enthusiastic members of Armenian duet Inga & Anush are looking for political asylum in Armenia. That way they will avoid overdose of Vitamin A and C and will have plenty of opportunities to enjoy the fair but disturbingly irritating vocal of the two singing sisters.

Originally published Sept. 06, 2009