LUSAKA – President Rapiah Banda gathered a press conference to assure United States of America that Zambia is ready to lend a helping hand in struggle against child obesity. Overeating has caused 1 of 3 American children to go obese, while most Zambian kids remain hungry and skinny. Zambian Government vowed to consume 47% of American junk food every year. “This cooperation is mutually beneficial: American fat ass kids are a huge problem, no pun intended, while our kids keep being blown away with the wind. This will balance things out” – concluded President Banda.
While mostly junk food chains like McDonald’s and Burger King are blamed for the enormous child obesity in the US other restaurants keep introducing their own calorie bombs like: Caramel Banana Pecan Cream Stacked and Stuffed Hotcakes and Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream. Psychologist Sandy Stevens tries to explain American food perversions: “Our recent survey proved that 32% of American kids could potentially eat their parents if they are suddenly covered with chocolate chips that’s a National security threat right there. You might think it’s impossible, but there was a case in New Jersey when a 12 year old fatso broke into a spa salon and attacked 6 women who were undergoing chocolate hydrotherapy and taking whipped cocoa bath.” While spas in US offer a variety of chocolate treatments, a Zambian survey indicated that 89% of children have heard or read about chocolate.
According to the new bill presented to US Senate every American child would have to send half of his burger or candy to Zambia. To collect the food from oversized kids Government is ready to use National Guard, Police force as well as local bullies. Republican senator Jim DeMint said he would vote for the bill: “See whenever the Obama administration comes up with something that makes sense we are ready to support that. I had to buy a giant pickup truck for my wife so she could carpool the kids to school, now the little brats are so fat we consider buying a tank.”
While Zambians are excited to aid United States, some oversized Americans are protesting. “My right to eat an entire burger to is in the Constitution, or at least it should be there. I’m not giving my leftover honey mustard barbecue with double cheese and jelly nachos on coconut butter to anyone. Obesity is a choice, a lifestyle not a disease or a crime” – said Greg Lardbut, CEO of F.A.T.S.O. (Fat Americans Thrilled to Stay Obese)