Azerbaijan Vows to Boost Number of Refugees to 4 Millions By 2020

By Sergey

BAKU  — Early on Tuesday, President of Azerbaijan, Ilham Aliyev, announced the country’s strategic plans for the coming decade. The President assured that with the continued current economic growth and a smart spending policy, the Government will be able to increase the number of Azerbaijani refugees and internally displaced persons from one to four million as early as the year 2020.

Aliyev called the project “Azerbaijan 2020” and promised an increase in government support in order to achieve the new milestone in the war against Armenia.

“Despite the relative truce over Karabakh, we work relentlessly to defeat Armenia. With every year our economy affords us more and more refugees,” claimed Azerbaijani president. “Just imagine 4 million pairs of eyes sadly looking at the Europeans, Americans and Russians.. Think of the volume of pro-Azerbaijani sentiments to be generated!”

“Azerbaijan is a rich country today. There is no reason why our refugees should not comfortably grow and enjoy every available luxury,” mentioned Aliyev in an interview on Public TV. “We’re a proud nation and we take good care of our internally displaced compatriots.”

Aliyev shared several elements of the project: “The Ministry of Social Security has kicked off a new large-scale program entitled New tents for Young Refugee Families.  Every new family will get a brand new tent and benefit package after each newborn refugee. With the current oil prices,  we can plan on generating roughly 300,000 new refugees per annum in the next ten years. ”

The 2009 statistics show that each tent has its own 50 inch plasma screen TV and Jacuzzi. Multiple labor-seekers from Baku have reportedly been seeking out tent cities searching for summer jobs such as picking up litter and doing house-keeping while the refugees themselves spend their summer vacations in Spain and Italy.

Further detail on project “Azerbaijan 2020” was revealed by the Ministry of Karabakh Nostalgia. Minister Rafik Bayramov said: “We have embarked on a mass scale construction of new tent cities near Ganja, Baku, and areas in the deep south. The new tent cities will be secured with extremely advanced infrastructure, the best that the 21-st century has to offer. Every tent community will have its own tent-3D-movies, tent schools and tent mosques to accommodate all the needs of a modern Azerbaijani refugee. Ganja is also expected to have a Tent Academy of Sciences”.

Project “Azerbaijan 2020” has received global support from the affluent Azerbaijani Diaspora. It has promised continued support to the project. The general public has also received the news with its traditional open-air patriotism and enthusiasm.

As the public embrace the new initiative, the President further adds to the big picture of the concept: “Azerbaijan is a dignified country and has the fastest developing economy in the region. We are no longer the Azerbaijan of slum tent cities with a million starving refugees. The Azerbaijani refugees of  today have fully furnished amenities with all the commodities that an oil-rich country can provide. They have the most expensive tents and consistently receive food and healthcare services which is on par with what refugees receive in the most developed European countries. As the economy boom keeps up, we will be able to afford even more refugees with improved social conditions.”

Turkey also joined the strategic effort promising to invest 3 million dollars to set up new refugee communities in the Nakhijevan exclave area. The Turkish Prime Minister participated in a ceremony launching the first tent neighborhood consisting of experienced refugees from mainland Azerbaijan.

The EU representative to Azerbaijan could not resist his excitement: “The quality of tents and public services at refugee communities are just incredible. Azerbaijan is a truly developed, economically powerful and highly advanced 21-st century state. This country is a refugees true paradise.”

Political expert Richard Giragosian called the Azerbaijani strategy “unfair”. In a press conference on Tuesday, Giragosian said: “Azerbaijanis know how sentimental Europeans are. This is an obvious attempt to manipulate the emotions of the OSCE Minsk Group. Four million puppy-sad eyes is serious political leverage. Our Foreign Ministry needs to react to this. Perhaps we could take the OSCE Minsk group folks to Garni and Geghard more often..”

Simultaneously, sources report that Azerbaijan plans to boost the number of civilian victims of Armenian aggression to three million by 2025, and for this purpose, they have reportedly cut deals with several Chinese morgues.