For ArmComedy’s first ever interview we picked a very special man, the first one in the world to undergo a virginity restoration surgery. Oliver Loser, a 36 year old British Geometry teacher was not afraid of the surgery and was willing to share his story.
AC: Oliver first of all the readers would be interested to know, how hard it was growing up with a surname like Loser.
OL: (irritated) Dammit, I knew you’d ask that! Well that was pretty tough OK. I got beaten up at school, and not by just bullies, even nerds like members of the chess club and the girls who were not disgusted enough not to punch me.
AC: Yet despite of all that deserved humiliation you somehow managed to have sex and lose virginity in the first place, is that right Mr. Loser?
OL: Call me Oliver, yes I did lose virginity and had sex more than once actually?
AC: Really? How many times have you had sex, I assume readers would wanna know how unvirgin were you before the surgery.
OC: Twice…twice is more than once.
AC: Be more specific Ollie
OC: Well my first time, technically was raping. I was in collage, studying geometry when this Indian exchange student locked herself and me in the auditorium. She took off her clothes, revealing her brown 314lbs body, which she eventually placed on me. She did horrible, horrible things with my penis and I felt very dirty ever since.
AC: OK so we see a deep sexual trauma there, did you get raped for the second time Mr Loser?
OL: No my second time was actually pretty good, I met this really beautiful girl, she was a bikini model.
AC: Oliver we don’t have time for this…!
OL: OK, OK she wasn’t a model, but she was still pretty…
OL: I meant pretty…pretty normal-looking. We dated for about a month, until she agreed to have an intercourse. And yes it was pretty good, I was pretty good…
AC: Is that what she said?
OL: No I made that assumption basing on the fact that she didn’t fall asleep during sex, in fact we had a very lively discussion about cubes and trapezoids. And when we finished only then we fell aspleep.
AC: How come you never had sex with that pretty normal looking woman again?
OL: Well the next morning two men showed up and said she was a missing patient, she escaped from a psychiatric facility.
AC : Oh, a nut house…
OL: Psychiatric facility! She was udergoing a treament there, I’m not even sure I should say this, but … well…she had an abnormal obsession with dumb looking idiots. That’s really weird, because I still don’t get why she picked me if she was obsessed with that type of men.
AC: I could make a guess, but let’s talk about your surgery, why did you want to do it?
OL: Once again it’s because of a woman, I met this pretty… lovely…pretty lovely looking 56 year old geometry teacher from Scotsdale. She is a virgin, from a very strict Lutheran family and she told me she would only marry one who is as pure as her:
AC: How did you find a doctor who would agree to perform such a surgery?
OL: I met this great doctor, Dr. Gevorgyan. He just arrived to England and said he performed many such surgeries back in his home country, Romania if I’m not mistaken.
AC: We know women do virginal membrane restoration surgeries…but what is there to restore for men?
OL: Yes you are right there seems nothing to restore, but not for the creative mind of brilliant Dr Gevorgyan. He found a very simple yet brilliant solution, which I think will make millions of men starving for virginity very happy. He surgically removed all my memories of my sexual intercourses.
AC: Wait how does one surgically remove memories.
OL: Mmm…well…he just hit my head with a cricket bat, until I completely forgot it…not just that, I also forgot how to drive and everything about isoscales triangles.
AC: So since you don’t have any memories of having sex, technically you are a virgin.
OL: (smiling) That’s right, that’s the brilliance. Now we are arranging our marriage, sending invitations you know…
AC: Wait, but you just told be about all of your previous sexual intercources, doesn’t that mean you still remember them?
OL: GOD DAMN YOU, GEVORGYAN!