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Azerbaijan Celebrates 10,000th Threat to Attack Armenia

By Sergey

Aliev Performing Anniversary Threat

Azerbaijan, Baku — A festive ceremony involving President Ilham Aliev and key government officials featured a long-expected speech by leader of the country. A landmark threat to wipe out Armenian forces from Karabakh was attended by representatives of international organizations, embassies and reporters.

The State Statistical Service of Azerbaijan had predicted the landmark 10,000th threat to take place by end of 2010, however extra effort on part of the government pushed the date closer.  Surrounded by excited officials, as well as invited Guinness book experts, Aliev swiftly took his stand by the tribune.

“We are gathered here today to celebrate one of the most important milestones in the history of Azerbaijan. Today I am going to voice my 10,000th threat to use force against the occupant forces of Armenia”, said Aliev in an unusually motivated tone.

“I remember my first threat back in 2003 as I assumed the office… Nothing compares to a first threat.. incredible feeling”, Aliev looked down for a second, shaking his head nostalgically.  “

“Proudly, I stand here before you today with 9,999 publicly announced threats, over 5,000 ultimatums and countless nags at Armenia behind my back”, continued Aliev as the crowd ripped in applauds at each announced number.

“Attained results are stunning. The previous threats have scared Armenia so much, that they were forced to modernize their army and build up heavier front-lines. No doubt, another 4 or 5 thousand elaborated threats and Armenian army will be forced to surrender Karabakh. Another 7-9 thousand more threats and Zangezur will be ours!”

After some 5 minutes of introductory suspense Aliev eventually unveiled the hard-boiled message. Slapping his fist on the table Aliev frowned heavily, almost zipping eyelids in anger and said: “Seriously, Armenians, leave Karabakh. I’m super serious.  Leave it, OTHERWISE,” the crowd froze in awe, as Aliev raised his pointer finger in a two-minute additional suspense “we promise to use force!”

Aliev’s speech was immediately released on TV and other media. Azerbaijani politicians flooded press with comments on the unprecedented tough message of the leader to Armenia.

Baku Times called the landmark threat “nation’s biggest success after the 5,000th threat back of 2006” which marked a turning point in threat development and announcement efforts.

Political analyst Yusuf Bakiev from “Yusuf Bakiev” Foundation comments on the speech as extremely impressive. “This year’s speech is frankly much spicier than anything I heard before. I think we are just a few threats away from liberating Karabakh from the infidel assholes. I mean, let’s be reasonable, 10,000 threats could not go without an impact. It’s simple physics – energy like that doesn’t just vanish, it kicks ass. In this case, Aliev totally kicked Armenian ass”, explained Azerbaijani top expert.

French diplomat: 'Armenia not surrendering after multiple threats - astounding'

French Ambassador to Azerbaijan, Andre Maginot, who participated in the event, shared emotions of the landmark threat ceremony: “This was huge! Amazing threat.. and the frown and.. and the slap on the table. A masterpiece of intimidation. Armenians need to make a sane decision now. I mean, we would definitely surrender. In fact.. we might still surrender ourselves, just in case.”

Armenian Ministry of Foreign Affairs could not provide any comments on the landmark threat. “Unfortunately, we do not watch Azerbaijani TV, so we can’t provide any comments,” said Ministry spokesman to ArmCom.



  1. turkaget turkaget 15/01/2010

    Guys, you are incredible!!!!!

    “This initiative has hinted Turkey’s Prime-Minister Erdogan to start counting his remarks about the necessity of discussing Armenian-Turkish initiative and Karabakh peace process in a single package. The anlaysts doubt if he is going to include only the statements made on TV or his remarks during closed-door meetings would be counted as well”.

  2. NORAIR NORAIR 15/01/2010

    Это что-то невероятное! Громадное вам спасибо! Я еще никогда так не смеялся! БРАВО!

  3. Vee Vee 15/01/2010

    Armenians worldwide will congratulate President Aliyev on this landmark occasion, especially for 5,000 ultimatums.
    We all, as I personally do, look forward to the next 10,000 threats and the next 5,000 ultimatums.
    Maybe somebody in the Presidents office should explain the definition of the word “ultimatum”, just for clarity. I have attached a definition from the English dictionary;
    “A FINAL statement of terms made by one party to another”.
    May President Aliyevs the next 5,000 FINAL statements be as impressive as the last 5,000 FIANL statements.

  4. Tatevik Tatevik 15/01/2010

    And Armenia will celebrate the 10,000th “it doesn’t matter” = “А Нам все равно”, или пусть Алиев балуется!!! event…

  5. Levon Levon 16/01/2010

    Verjn a!:))))))))

  6. Tigran Tigran 16/01/2010

    Shat hamov humor :))))

  7. Lilit Lilit 19/01/2010

    Sergey — super! polniy otpad! molodets!

  8. Kornelij Kornelij 04/02/2010

    Thats great! :))) running to share

  9. ese ese 05/02/2010


    Круто! Я бы так не смог :))
    Очень поравилось!!!


  10. Dave Dave 03/08/2010

    Hi really enjoyed reading your article and was wondering Geographically speaking, are Armenia, Azerbaijan and Georgia considered Middle Eastern Countries?

    [WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘0 which is not a hashcash value.

  11. Sergey Sergey 05/08/2010

    Thank you, Dave. Political term for the geography of the three would be South Caucasus.

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