Armenia Reaches Maturity Age

YEREVAN — On September 21, Armenian leadership submitted an official application to the Russian Embassy in Yerevan requesting to grant a broader self-governing authority in connection with reaching maturity age. Armenian Government argues that the country is no longer a teenager and needs to either move out or at least get more room to start a life on its own.

Russia has not yet officially responded to the application, however unofficial sources claim discontent on Russian part. Our Kremlin source reports: “Armenia is not yet ready for a fully adult independence. First, our little friend needs to finish college, provide a steady income, pay parental debts and get into a meaningful relationship with another state… from our Federation. But at the moment Armenia still needs us, so any speculation on self-control is premature.”

Russia is still the legal guardian of Armenia’s strategic toys like the railway with trains, power plant, gas pipe network (Russia has also withheld a toy gifted to Armenia by a neighbour — the extra gas pipe), all electricity grids and a big chunk of Shirak region (according to the contract till 2045), where it has deployed its old military toys.

Armenian Foreign Minister Eduard Nalbandyan introduced Armenia’s position on the issues: “Our demand needs to be clear to all. It’s not like we want to lose every touch with Russia. Armenia will certainly call Russians once in a while, send flowers on anniversaries and definitely visit on birthdays.  But 20 years is an age one can start minding his own business and start making grown-up decisions on one’s own future. How come Georgia gets to escape from home in 2003 and ultimately cut off all ties in 2008, and we can’t even get laid with a European country…”

“Moreover that Armenia has long reached puberty and has an urge to physically bond with other countries that arouse us and not Russia. Naturally, there is the parental jealousy thing in place, but our Russian friends need to overcome it at some point,” — stated Nalbandyan.

Armenia has already received US government’s support on this issue voiced by special envoy to South Caucasus Jim Folker. “We believe Russia is being overprotective and exercises excessive care over its adopted ally. Russia fails to see that Armenia is now a mature, fully conscious 20-year-old fine adult. It is the international practice that upon reaching the age of 16 or 18 a newly independent state can start a new life with its own foreign policy, get involved in mature relationships with more experienced Western partners”.

Russian side has not yet countered the US position, however experts believe Russian Federation will continue encouraging Armenia’s relations with Belarus, Bashkiria, Tatarstan and other internal relatives through monthly allowances and scary stories about perils of unprotected relations with neighbours. Experts claim Russia sees this as long-term investment into a promising young kin.