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Ugly Women Protest against Increased Alcohol Prices

by Sergey

Visually challanged women campaign for lower alcohol prices
Visually challanged women campaign for lower alcohol prices

After government decree on levying a double tax from alcohol importers hundreds of female citizens voiced protest. Petition was signed by 178 middle-aged unattractive women and sent to Minister of Justice early last Monday.

One of the outraged women approached our reporter to explain the situation: “It’s just not fair! It’s not just about taxes, it’s also a big moral issue. This tax builds Berlin wall between visually challenged women and sex. It basically blocks us from access to men.  If tax officers care so much about increasing budget income, they might as well bother screwing us once in a while. All they do is talk.. the lazy bastards..”

Civil Society stepped in on the side of visually challenged (hereafter VC) women backing their right for drunk men. Renowned human rights advocate and head of Helsinki Citizens’ Assembly of Vanadzor, Artur Sakunts stated in a conference: “This is the second strike that government blows on the VC minority. UN Convention on “Freedom of penetration” clearly states every person’s right for sex. Now with expensive alcohol they will be deprived of this fundamental right.”

The advocate called on Human Rights Defender’s office to address the issue. One of the ways out was noted prescription alcohol to VC certificate holders. However this proved insufficient, and Obudsman went as far as to offer a package of recommendations for easing the situation.

Helsinki chairman: ''Access to sex is a basic human right'
Helsinki chairman: ''Access to sex is a basic human right'

“There are legal provisions that, if put in place, can relieve tax-imposed obstacles,” said Armen Harutyunyan. “First, punishment for rape must be reduced if occurred to VC representative. This will stimulate some of the picky rapists to be on a wider look-out. Secondly, cut income tax for  men opting to indulge in VC community. And finally, provide VC women with visit opportunities to army and jail. This should seal the deal,” concluded the Ombudsman.

Head of the State Revenue Service Gagik Khachatryan tried to cuddle down the concerns. Khachatryan told reporters that “this (increased alcohol tax) is not a random decision, but a chain of legal improvements. Tax increase will be balanced out by relieved taxation on import of bananas, carrots and other kinky fruits and vegetables. As you see we do try to reach out to VC community as much as we can.”

The statement was heralded in local media and by outraged VC activists. “This is certainly a relief and we appreciate it. We are a vulnerable social group and the society and government owe us equal conditions for intercourse opportunities,” says a beginner VC, 17-year-old Geghetsik Tsakhkyan. “ I, for instance, was not aware I am VC until I began attending school. But I was still not sure, till my teacher of English gifted me my first looking-glass in 9th grade. We really need cheap alcohol.. I mean, look at me.. I want to get laid at least twice before I turn 30!” said Geghetsik.

Later the week, good news was released by the Ministry of Trade and Economic Development, Trafficking Department. The department issued trafficking agenda for 2010-2011, where quotas for VCs were doubled in the directions of Arab Emirates and China. To the question of our reporter “why China?”, head of the Tafficking department Artavazd Kokhikyan explained that “Chinese never can tell the difference between VC and simply non-Chinese. Our VC’s are considered very fancy there, so it’s a ‘win-win’ situation for all!”


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  1. Vika_Scorpio Vika_Scorpio 25/09/2009

    “Freedom of Penetration” killed me, guys… :))))))))))

  2. Levon Levon 29/09/2009

    A really nice one, great job!:)

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