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Presidents excited about upcoming near-breakthrough experience

SOUTH CAUCASUS -  Armenian and Azerbaijani presidents prepare for a new milestone peace talk in Kazan, Russia, which is expected to be the most successful in almost resolving the long-standing conflict. OSCE Minsk Group Chairs will attend the meeting to warm up the parties and ensure violence-free environment at the talks.

President Medvedev issued a statement on Monday strongly urging Serj Sargsyan and Ilham Aliev to put maximum effort into bringing this round of talks to a new level of closeness to resolution. “We have had some efficient talks before in Moscow, St. Petersburg and elsewhere,” statement reads, “however I believe in the potential of the negotiating parties to kick the bar of talks a bit higher and achieve a true almost-breakthrough or near-breakthrough level.”

"We are already planning the next close-to-breakthrough talk, but it won't be as close as this one", Fassier

OSCE Co-Chairs have been very active in building up the suspense for the meeting. French diplomat Bernard Fassier has commended the constructive stance of both sides. “We welcome Azerbaijan’s moderate rhetoric on the eve of the talks. President Aliev made only two  minor threats to attack Armenia within the 10-day period leading up to the high-level talk”, French facilitator explains.

Ilham Aliev made a statement 5 days before the official close-to-breakthrough meeting saying “We are prepared to return our lands through the use of force, if talks don’t give us Karabakh” which was seen as a significant progress after his earlier remarks vowing to “wipe out filthy Armenians any moment now no matter what”.

Political analyst Richard Giragosian believes there is a chance for a unprecedented rapprochement: “The Azerbaijani moderation is really inspiring. I believe a true progress on basic principles is very likely. However it’s not about the principles of resolution of the conflict, but more about principles of how to organize and conduct the talks. It is very important to have common understanding of dress code, level of threats voiced prior to meetings, as well as stylistics of statements following the talks.”

Although official Yerevan has not made comments before the meeting, however sources leaked that president is keen to contribute to bringing the talk to  “absolutely unprecedented level of almost resolving the conflict”. Source expressed hope that the Azerbaijani side will be consistent, too and will also make efforts to making it as breakthroughish as possible.”

“If previous close-to-breakthrough talks were some inches away from reaching a breakthrough,  this one will be unique in making it just a few micro… millimeters away from breakthrough. There will be much to celebrate – South Caucasus has never witnessed such a successful close-to-resolution experience,” explains the source.

OSCE Minsk Group has expressed cautious hope that there is a preliminary agreement that for over a month after the close-to-breakthrough talk, Azerbaijan will not resort to hard-core military rhetoric.

Minsk Band about to perform a capella at presidential residence

SOUTH CAUCASUS -  The famous European “OSCE-Minsk” rock band is back on its fifth tour to Armenia-Karabakh-Azerbaijan in the last 18 months. The international music sensation –formed of former diplomats in 1992 – continues its mission of trying to bring peace to Nagorno-Karabakh conflict by serving as human shield in the area of confrontation.

Group members share their excitement about being a part of the peace process in South Caucasus. “I still remember us actually trying to find a peaceful resolution in late 90’s… ,” recalls band’s drummer Igor Popov. “Good times.  But then as we came to a deadlock around 2001, our best lead guitarist Kerry Kavano quit the band…  and we figured all we can do now is serve as human shields by frequently visiting Karabakh..”

On Monday the Band kicked off its tour by featuring “Territorial Integrity Extravaganzzza” rhapsody in country’s key refugee camps. The rhapsody is Azeri fans’ favorite and is performed regularly during their tours to the country.

Band’s musical style is known for surrealistic lyrics expressing no meaning but invoking warm emotions both among Azeri and Armenian audience. Experts call this genre “diplo-jazz” for its reach out to all parties in an equally ambiguous way.

"The longer we keep the musicians on the turf, the more stability in the region," Giragossian

Armenian key political expert Richard Giragossian believes the band plays a positive role in the region. “Despite its primary musical purpose, the band is also a very useful political tool. Every time they tour in the region, it makes it highly inconvenient for Azerbaijan to unleash any military provocations,” Giragossian says.

“So what we have here is that big powers use famous musician’s bodies as human shield to deter Armenia’s belligerent neighbor from a potential war. This is why Armenian government is more content with the band tours than Azerbaijan’s,” expert concludes.

At their next stop is Nagorno-Karabakh, the band unveiled its new album “Smiley Conflict”.  Note that the band is especially popular in NKR, since few musicians visit the break-away republic. This explains why they attracted 70% of the population to the open-air concert.

Azerbaijan’s foreign ministry has repeatedly denounced Band’s performances in Stepanakert, calling it “regretful initiative harming Azerbaijani fans of the Band”.

The Band will perform in Yerevan on June 9, featuring one of its greatest hits “Self-Determination Blues”. The concert in Yerevan mainly attracts ranking politicians, Ambassadors and rarely includes general public.

Unnamed source from the RA presidential office says: “I have no idea what  on Earth their lyrics is about, but every time we hear them singing, its like angels tapping us on the shoulders and saying – it’s all gonna be fine… it’s all gonna be fine…”

After the regional visit, “OSCE-Minsk” band will spend a month doing studio work to return in late July to promote their revamped diplo-jazz portfolio.

Kardashian challenges patriotism among Azerbaijani youth

BAKU –  On Monday Azerbaijan’s secret services busted two students  from Baku State Engineering University after Heidar Aliev, catching them red-handed – indulging in anti-Azerbaijani erotica. Lobzik Byul-Byul (18 years old) and Heidar Azikyv (19 years old) are expected to face charges of high-treason for “succumbing to occupant pornography”.

Friends and family of the traitors have harshly condemned Lobzik and his peer. Lobzik’s uncle told the reporters on Tuesday: “He deserves the most severe punishment… all these years we thought we are raising a patriotic young Azeri boy only to be eventually disappointed by this pro-Armenian manifesto. Just to think – I taught him his first anti-Armenian jokes, I can’t believe he could betray us so filthily..”

The Azeri pride-jackers have violated Azerbaijan’s constitutional stipulation on patriotism adopted in 2003 which qualifies this act as a betrayal of motherland, territorial integrity and Azerbaijani ladies.

Spokesman of Azerbaijani National Security Service after Heidar Aliev announced on Tuesday: “This is the second case of Azerbaijani young men embracing anti-Azerbaijani erotic fantasies, provoked by the Armenian Diaspora. This is a part of the information war and every citizen of Azerbaijan needs to be prepared to resist the anti-Azeri temptations”.

Safura urges capital punishment to erotic traitors

Ministry of Education of Azerbaijan after Heidar Aliev considers this a consequence of lack of awareness among youth on Azerbaijan’s hot women. Minister Tophique Mahmedov says: “We need to promote our local potential in magazines and manuals, so the new generation does not get carried away with politically incorrect breast of Kardashian or other separatist pornography”.

All political parties of Azerbaijan have condemned the young traitors and called on intensifying information war. Gyulab Mamedov, Member of “Yeni Azerbaijan” party after Heidar Aliev, proposed a list of Azerbaijan’s actresses and singers to be recommended to youngsters of transitional age.

Political analyst Yusuf  Bldughlu suggests a systematic approach to the issues: “The time that young men spend on fantasizing about Kardashian should be spent on fantasizing about returning Karabakh. Not only is it equally enjoyable but also patriotically reinforcing”.

Law enforcement agencies and information security services are currently taking measures to remove all images of Kim Kardashian from newspaper-stands, torrents and hard disks of young men in the Republic of Azerbaijan after Heidar Aliev.

Sources report that Eurovision beauty Safura took the incident as a slap in her face  and is currently preparing a new sexy video clip.

• Հատուկ հյուր` Հայաստանը շատ քիչ հայերով կուսակցության նախագահ
  
• Եվրատեսիլը, դավաճան վրացիներն ու նախանձ ազերիները
  
• ՆԱՏՕ-ից նեղացանք
• Հայկ Բաբուխանյանի երկրորդ գալուստը
  
• Վրացիներ արկածները Լիսաբոնում
• և այլն

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Aliyev 'I want at least 5 knock-knock jokes about Serge Sargsyan'

BAKU – President Ilham Aliyev had a meeting with country’s leading comedians, jokesters, pranksters and major jackasses early this morning. After all 6 of them arrived, President explained that he was getting more and more concerned with absence of funny jokes about Armenians in the last year. “I used to enjoy Edik Nalbandyan jokes in Day.Az, but that’s old now, we gotta find something new, there’s got to be something funny about Armenians that we haven’t noticed yet. Otherwise I’ll think your sense of humor was surgically removed.” – said the Azeri leader.

Garik is potentially more dangerous than S-300

Official Baku first became seriously concerned with Armenian comedy threat in 2005 when Armenian comedian Garik Martirosyan became insanely popular in Russia. Martirosyan was very disturbing for three reasons: he was very, very, very, very funny, he was located close to Kremlin and there was evidence of Putin himself smiling 5-6 times at Martirosyan’s jokes. In 2006 Azerbaijan tried to pass a resolution in UN banning Garik Martirosyan and accusing Armenia of using unfair tactics and aggressive discrimination against humorly challenged nations. Agshin Mehdiyev Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary to the UN said “I know Garik Martirosyan does not make Azeri jokes on Russian TV now, but we have no guarantees he won’t do it tomorrow. It is like having S-300 missiles pointed at us all the time”. Russia promised Martirosyan would not make devastating jokes about Azeri Government in exchange for 2 oil developments in Kaspian Sea and the matter was settled, but the potential threat remained.

“We see that Armenians make more and more jokes about us and I gotta admit some of them are objectively funny” – said Aliyev – “I give you 48 hours to come up with a joke that will make the whole world laugh at Yerevan”. If the comedians fail to make a laughing stock out of Armenia in 48 they are likely to face 10 years of imprisonment for treason of National interests. Analysts predict they’ll probably look into some Israeli jokes about Palestine and will try to rip them off.

Meanwhile ArmComedy’s sources say Azeri officials tried to contact some American comedians to order some really good material for Armenia. Allegedly Jon Stewart told Azeris where exactly they can put their $100 000 and Jerry Seinfeld couldn’t stop laughing for five hours straight until given some sedatives.

P.S. Clicking on Azeri Google Ads on Armenian websites is the only legal way of bringing Azeri money into Armenian economy
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Ուկրաինական դիրքերը ուժեղանում են հայերի գիշերային կյանքում

ԵՐԵՎԱՆ – Անցած շաբաթ Հայաստանում ստորագրվեց աննախադեպ համաձայնագիր, որը կես դարով անխափան կապահովի Հայաստանը ուկրաինական ստրիպ շուկայի լավագույն ապրանքատեսակներով: Իշխանություններին մոտ կանգնած որոշ աղբյուրների համաձայն դրանով կարող է սպասարկվել նաև Ղարաբաղյան շուկայի պահանջարկը սուր անհրաժեշտության դեպքերում, ինչը ակնարկվում է պայմանագրի տողերից մեկում` “…Հայաստանի և տարածաշրջանի այլ հայերի սպասարկման նպատակով…”:

Համաձայնագրի ստորագրումը զգալի աշխուժություն մտցրեց երկու երկրների քաղաքական և հասարակական կյանքում: Համաձայնագրի ստորագրման նպատակով Հայաստան այցելած Վիկտոր Յանուկովիչը հանդիպումներ ունեցավ քաղաքական էլիտայի և քննարկվող ոլորտի պատասխանատուների հետ: Ուկրաինայի նախագահը նաև փոխըմբռնման հուշագրեր կնքեց Պոլիտեխնիկի և ԵՊՀ-ի մի շարք ֆակուլտետների հետ, որոնք հայ ուսանողներին արտոնյալ պայմաններ կտրամադրեն ուկրաինական տեսականուց օգտվելու համար:

Նշենք, որ այցից մի քանի շաբաթ առաջ մամուլում տեղ գտան լուրեր Ադրբեջանի գիշերային ակումբներին Ուկրաինայի կառավարության կողմից ժամանակակից պարային մասնագետներ տրամադրելու մասին:

Ուրբաթ տեղի ունեցած ասուլիսի ժամանակ հայ լրագրողները ուկրաինացի հյուրի առջև բարձրացրեցին այդ զգայուն հարցը` Ադրբեջանին տրամադրած Ս-69 տեսակի հակաձանձրութային ժամանակակից իգական համակարգի վաճառքը: “Մենք ունենք ռազմավարական համագործակցություն մեր հայ գործընկերների հետ և մեր ոչ մի քայլ տարածաշրջանում ուղղված չէ մեր գործընկերների դիրքերը թուլացնելուն,” դիվանագիտորեն պատասխանեց Յանուկովիչը:

Հիշեցնենք, որ հուլիսին տարածվեցին անանուն լուրեր Ադրբեջանական գիշերային ակումբներին ուկրաինական պարուհիների լուրջ պատրաստված խմբեր փոխանցելու վերաբերյալ: Այդ լուրերը մինչ օրս ոչ հերքվել, ոչ հաստատվել են որևէ կողմից:

"Ս-69 համակարգը որևէ վտանգ չի ներկայացնում Հայաստանի անվտանգությանը" Սլավիկ Սուքիասյան

Շիրակում տեղակայված “Հայոց բլուրներ” ռազմավարական գիշերային ակումբի տնօրեն Սլավիկ Սուքիասյանը անհիմն է որակում Ս-69-ի շուրջ բարձրացած աղմուկը: “Չեմ կարծում, դա որևէ ազդեցություն կունենա Հարավային Կովկասում ուժերի հավասարակշռության վրա: Հայաստանը հանդիսանում է ԱՊՀ “Կոլեկտիվ թրաֆիկինգի կազմակերպության” անդամ, ինչը չեզոքացնում է Ադրբեջանական կողմի յուրաքանչյուր համակարգի գնումը Ուկրաինայից: Եթե նույնիսկ այդ ասեկոսները իրական են, ապա դա միայն կնշանակի, որ Ուկրաինացիները գումար են աշխատում մեր հարևանի միամտության վրա”, նշեց վերլուծաբանը:

Միաժամանակ Սլավոնական համալսարանի ռեկտոր Արմեն Դարբինյանը փարատեց տատանվողների կասկածները` “Այս բանավեճերում կարծես չի նշվում ամենակարևորը` այն է` Ս-69 համակարգը ունի զուտ պաշտպանողական բնույթ: Այսինքն հնարավոր հայ-ադրբեջանական բախման դեպքում ադրբեջանցիները չեն կարողանա օգտագործել այդ ներուժը Հայաստանի կամ Ղարաբաղի դեմ, մինչդեռ Օմեգայում և Շիրակի մարզում տեղակայված ուկրաինական համակարգերը կարող են հեշտությամբ տեղափոխվել մարտի դաշտ և կիրառվել թե հարձակվողական և թե պաշտպանական իրավիճակներում:”
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PACE session torpedoed by Azerbaijani delegate

STRASBOURG, France – Unprecedented diplomatic scandal broke out early Monday, as head of the Azerbaijani delegation to European Council Samad Seyidov unexpectedly torpedoed speech by Armenian delegate Armen Rustamyan. Azerbaijani diplomat generated a dramatic fart just as the Armenian delegation was justifying the right of people of Nagorno-Karabakh for self-determination. Sources report unusual tension and concentration on Seyidov’s face for ten minutes prior to the unleashed inappropriateness.

Right after the news, Government of Azerbaijan discussed prospect of awarding the Azerbaijani delegate the title of National Hero for “busting Armenian presentation and contribution to return of Karabakh to Azerbaijan”.

Azerbaijani Ombudsman spoke on Public TV of Azerbaijan condemning any potential attempt of European officials to punish the proactive Azeri diplomat. Specifically, Tofik Douchoghlu stated: “We are ready to strongly condemn any attempt of Europeans to punish Seyidov or his political manifesto. Our compatriot featured a strong political message in, perhaps, not a very traditional manner. But, hey, Europe should not forget that Armenia holds 20% of our territory under occupation for decades which forces our politicians to resort to unconventional forms of protest”.

Right after the incident, the security in the PACE building were reportedly clueless on how to handle the situation. Chief of security service within the parliament Jean Sisseux admits: “Frankly, we were not trained on this specific situation, so we hesitated between approaching it as chemical attack or delicately pretend that nothing happened. Eventually we were told it was a political message, so we kind-of backed down.”

'It could be an attempt to intimidate Armenia by metaphoric allusion to Azerbaijan's rich natural resources', Giragosian

Armenian political analyst Richard Giraosian calls the Azeri step “extension of the information warfare”. Giragosian argues that Azerbaijan continues to expand channels to highlight the Karabakh conflict. “Apparently, with the Armenia-Turkey border process, things are getting ugly in Azerbaijan. I believe this is a metaphorical threat to Armenia. Azerbaijan simply demonstrates how pissed off she is with Armenia and how far she can go to make her point audible. The air-pop itself is not as dangerous as it how it was embraced by Azerbaijani public and the authorities. Azerbaijani society manifested its commitment to support anything that annoys Armenians including, already, acoustic annoyance”, says Giragosyan.

'It is the least I could do to Armenia for occupation of 20% of our territories', Seyidov

Seyidov himself refused to elaborate on his act and only commented: “I’m proud of what I did for my country. Let’s not forget that 20% of Azerbaijan is forcibly occupied by Armenia..”, Seyodov’s eyes twinkled in lurking tears at pronouncing the word ‘occupied’. “If Armenia does not free Karabakh, we might resort to replicating this and harsher manifestos at UN and other international venues,” concluded Seyidov.

The scandal was moderated to a calm by Turkish Chairman of PACE Mevlut Cavusoglu. The new chairman commented on Azeri step as “slightly out of balance, but not contradicting to the spirit of Europe”. Cavusoglu also noted that the Azerbaijani message could potentially be provoked by Armenian speech-maker Dashnak Armen Rustamyan’s suppressed burp during speech, David Harutyunyan’s prolonged yawn during Seyidov’s speech or Zaruhi Postanjyan’s excessively hot shirt cleavage. (Note: Armenian delegation immediately responded to this by freezing Postanjyan’s participation in further sessions.)

In the meanwhile Seyodov was received at Baku airport as national hero. Several schools, parks, think-tanks and NGOs were immediately named after him. To further honor the new hero, Azerbaijan renamed NABUCCO gas pipe project connecting Baku to Europe to “Seyidov Stream”.

Aliyev Bans Prunus Armeniaca

Government of Azerbaijan finally decided to ban apricots on entire territory of the country. Yesterday evening President Ilham Aliyev addressed the population via television, interrupting the broadcast of everyone’s favorite historic documentary “Ahmed and Tofik Discover America”. Irritation of the viewers grew even more when the President uttered the following words: “Because of its distinctive Armenian, hence anti-Azeri origins, apricots also known as Prunus armeniaca will be banned for eternity”.

Aliyev underlined that capital punishment will be applied to anyone who consumes, stores, thinks, writes about or even paints apricots. As for the 32 tonnes of apricots remaining in the country at the given moment, they will be all collected by Ministry of National Security.

Further plans were disclosed during the press conference given by the Minister of National Security Mahmud Brnipakiev: “The 32 tonnes of illegal apricots will be fed to the 43 Azeri traitors, who voted for Armenia during Eurovision song contest.”

Apricot Ban to Prevent Further Loss of Territories

Brnipakiev was followed by Azerbaijan’s Surgeon General who warned the populace about harmful effects consumption of apricots has. “Our researches identified that consumption of apricots provokes patients to handover lands to hostile countries. That is why in order to prevent further loss of territory we must cease eating apricots.”

The 43 Azeri fans of somewhat overweight, overly enthusiastic members of Armenian duet Inga & Anush are looking for political asylum in Armenia. That way they will avoid overdose of Vitamin A and C and will have plenty of opportunities to enjoy the fair but disturbingly irritating vocal of the two singing sisters.
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