Ապագայում հայ ծրագրավորողները կդառնան երկրի նոր օլիգարխները:

Դպրոցում սովորող երեծայի քաղաքական օրագիրը:

Armenia attracted to short-skirt European states

YEREVAN – On September 21, Armenian leadership submitted an official application to the Russian Embassy in Yerevan requesting to grant a broader self-governing authority in connection with reaching maturity age. Armenian Government argues that the country is no longer a teenager and needs to either move out or at least get more room to start a life on its own.

Russia has not yet officially responded to the application, however unofficial sources claim discontent on Russian part. Our Kremlin source reports: “Armenia is not yet ready for a fully adult independence. First, our little friend needs to finish college, provide a steady income, pay parental debts and get into a meaningful relationship with another state… from our Federation. But at the moment Armenia still needs us, so any speculation on self-control is premature.”

Russia is still the legal guardian of Armenia’s strategic toys like the railway with trains, power plant, gas pipe network (Russia has also withheld a toy gifted to Armenia by a neighbour – the extra gas pipe), all electricity grids and a big chunk of Shirak region (according to the contract till 2045), where it has deployed its old military toys.

"We only want what's best for our little friend", - RF

Armenian Foreign Minister Eduard Nalbandyan introduced Armenia’s position on the issues: “Our demand needs to be clear to all. It’s not like we want to lose every touch with Russia. Armenia will certainly call Russians once in a while, send flowers on anniversaries and definitely visit on birthdays.  But 20 years is an age one can start minding his own business and start making grown-up decisions on one’s own future. How come Georgia gets to escape from home in 2003 and ultimately cut off all ties in 2008, and we can’t even get laid with a European country…”

“Moreover that Armenia has long reached puberty and has an urge to physically bond with other countries that arouse us and not Russia. Naturally, there is the parental jealousy thing in place, but our Russian friends need to overcome it at some point,” – stated Nalbandyan.

Armenia has already received US government’s support on this issue voiced by special envoy to South Caucasus Jim Folker. “We believe Russia is being overprotective and exercises excessive care over its adopted ally. Russia fails to see that Armenia is now a mature, fully conscious 20-year-old fine adult. It is the international practice that upon reaching the age of 16 or 18 a newly independent state can start a new life with its own foreign policy, get involved in mature relationships with more experienced Western partners”.

Russian side has not yet countered the US position, however experts believe Russian Federation will continue encouraging Armenia’s relations with Belarus, Bashkiria, Tatarstan and other internal relatives through monthly allowances and scary stories about perils of unprotected relations with neighbours. Experts claim Russia sees this as long-term investment into a promising young kin. 

Մայքլ Բուբլեի պաստառները քանակով գերազանցեցին Սերժ Սարգսյանի նախընտրական պաստառներին

ԵՐԵՎԱՆ – Հանրահայտ երգիչ Մայքլ Բուբլեի կայանալիք համերգի մասին իմանալուն պես ArmComedy–ի հատուկ թղթակիցները փորձեցին ձեռք բերել տոմսեր, սակայն պարզվեց, որ տոմսերն ընդհանրապես վաճառքի չեն էլ հանվել։ Համերգի կազմակերպիչ Super Elite Group–ը հայտնեց, որ տոմսերը վաճառքի ընդհանրապես չեն հանվելու, քանի որ համերգը զուտ իրենց կազմակերպության աշխատակիցների, հաճախորդների ու շատ մոտիկ ծանոթների համար է։ Մեր հարցին, թե ինչու է Super Elite Group–ը ամբողջ քաղաքով փակցրել Մայքլ Բուբլեի հսկայական պաստառներ, մենեջեր Անչոկը պատասխանեց՝ «Նախ, Բուբլե չէ, այլ Բաբլ, երկրորդն էլ պաստառները փակցրել ենք, որ ամբողջ քաղաքն իմանա` ինչքան թափով տնօրինություն ունենք, ու ինչ–որ տեղ նախանձից սատկի»։

Բանն այն է, որ երգչի պաստառները քաղաքում այնքան շատ են, որ որոշ երևանցիներ մտադրված են Ազգային Ժողովի ընտրություններին մեծամասնականով ընտրել հենց կանադացի երգչին։ «Նենց սիրուն տղայա, որ նույնիսկ ձրի կքվեարկեմ», – ասաց պատահական անցորդ Անահիտը։

Իսկ Super Elite Group–ի ավագ մենեջեր Անչոկը հավելեց, որ Մայքլ Բուբլեին (նրա պնդմամբ՝ Բաբլ) վճարած գումարով կարելի էր 40 անգամ հրավիրել Արմենչիկին՝ «պռոստը տնօրինությանը ասել էին, որ ինքը նենց ինչ–որ լավ ճաշակով ջազ–մազ երգող ա, ոնց որ մեր համար էլ լավ PR կլինի էլի»։

Համերգի տոմս ունեցող երջանիկներից մեկից փորձեցինք պարզել, թե ինչպիսի ակնկալիքներ նա ունի համերգից։ «Անկեղծ որ ասեմ, տենց չեմ էլ ուզում գնալ, բայց դե ահագին մոտիկ մարդիկ են հրավիրել։ Հեռախոսս լավ զարյադկա կանեմ, կզբաղվեմ ընթացքում։ Ճիշտա, էդ երգչուհին կարողա ինձ տեսնի բեմից՝ առաջի շարք ենք դե, բայց դե նեղանումա, թող նեղանա», – ասաց Սգլթ մականունով ներկայացած երիտասարդը։

Երևանցիների մոտ 99,99999% պատրաստվում է ներկա չգտնվել համերգին

Հարկ է նշել, որ Super Elite Group–ը միակ ընկերությունը չէ, որ հարկ է համարում ամբողջ քաղաքին տեղեկացնել իրենց ճոխ «կորպորատիվի» մասին, նման կերպ որոշ երևանցիներին արդեն ուրախացրեց Ameria բանկը Ջորջ Բենսոնով, իսկ մոտ ապագայում «Խրոնոգրաֆ» ընկերությունը հնարավարություն կընձեռի երևանցիներին չտեսնել Սեզարիա Էվորային։

Super Elite Group–ը խոսք է տալիս ապագայում ևս կազմակերպել նման գեղեցիկ միջոցառումներ մեր քաղաքի համար։ «Մի քանի ամսից Էրիկ Քլեփթոնին ենք բերելու։ Պարզապես մեր տնօրենի տանը սուրճ խմելու համար», – հայտնեց մենեջերը։ Իսկ մեր հարցին, թե երբ է լեգենդար կիթառահարը ժամանելու Երևան, Անչոկը պատասխանեց, որ անպայման հեռուստացույցով գովազդները մի երկու ամիս շուտ կտեսնենք։

Այս նյութը պատրաստվել է ՎԿԱ ծրագրի շրջանակներում – EBG Disclaimer

UK upgrades diplomatic mission to Armenia

Sources excitefully report that the replacement for current British Ambassador to Armenia Charles Lonsdale will  be the 42-member staff of the London Symphonic Orchestra. The new diplomatic team is due to arrive in late December 2011.

UK Foreign Office posted official notice about the decision on its website which states: “The decision may seem somewhat unorthodox, but we just happen to be a cutting-edge liberal nation. Plus, the guys at the orchestra wanted a change and we wanted to combine our mission to Armenia with something cultural and exciting. And here we go – a cool team of rotating professional musicians will now be fully available to the Armenian authorities and the public.”

Head of Innovation Department at the Foreign Office  John Woops explains: “Originally we planned to send to Armenia married couple or red-haired triplets to Yerevan. Personally, I voted for sending the triplets – really cool trio. But then we thought, oh, what the heck, while we’re going crazy, why not kick it up a notch and send the whole bloody Orchestra.”

Each diplo-musician will spend a month in Armenia then to be rotated by colleagues in order of seniority with an end-of-year full-blown all-staff team concert on Christmas day. One of the concepts behind the mission is to “fine-tune relations between the two countries”.

"Trust me, it's a good thing for Armenia", - Lonsdale

Armenian officials and experts have expressed doubt and cluelessness about the appropriateness of the decision. “What’s wrong with the old-fashioned tradition of sending one decent diplomat to a country? Has that become too boring for Brits?”, – says a senior unnamed official from the Foreign Ministry of Armenia.

The outgoing Ambassador Lonsdale denies that the new  Ambassadors downplay seriousness of the mission: “Oh come on, the new team is just awesome. Britain continues to strongly like Armenia, and we’re just pushing diplomacy to a new, much cuter level. Many orchestra members have developed strong communication skills through touring the world and now they are happy to invest their potential in Armenia.”

However, political analyst Melik Hrant-Shahnazaryan sees a clear political message in the new appointment: “UK is simply indicating how much it prioritizes relationships with non-oilrich countries. I believe the specific message of this new Ambassadorship is ‘let’s just be cultural friends’, that’s it”.

As the preparations for the new Ambassadors continue, Armenian side has announced it might reconsider its format of Ambassadors to UK as well. Sources report that Armenian foreign ministry may build on its successful ‘football diplomacy’ and deploy the “Ararat” football team in the Armenian mission to UK.

Presidents excited about upcoming near-breakthrough experience

SOUTH CAUCASUS -  Armenian and Azerbaijani presidents prepare for a new milestone peace talk in Kazan, Russia, which is expected to be the most successful in almost resolving the long-standing conflict. OSCE Minsk Group Chairs will attend the meeting to warm up the parties and ensure violence-free environment at the talks.

President Medvedev issued a statement on Monday strongly urging Serj Sargsyan and Ilham Aliev to put maximum effort into bringing this round of talks to a new level of closeness to resolution. “We have had some efficient talks before in Moscow, St. Petersburg and elsewhere,” statement reads, “however I believe in the potential of the negotiating parties to kick the bar of talks a bit higher and achieve a true almost-breakthrough or near-breakthrough level.”

"We are already planning the next close-to-breakthrough talk, but it won't be as close as this one", Fassier

OSCE Co-Chairs have been very active in building up the suspense for the meeting. French diplomat Bernard Fassier has commended the constructive stance of both sides. “We welcome Azerbaijan’s moderate rhetoric on the eve of the talks. President Aliev made only two  minor threats to attack Armenia within the 10-day period leading up to the high-level talk”, French facilitator explains.

Ilham Aliev made a statement 5 days before the official close-to-breakthrough meeting saying “We are prepared to return our lands through the use of force, if talks don’t give us Karabakh” which was seen as a significant progress after his earlier remarks vowing to “wipe out filthy Armenians any moment now no matter what”.

Political analyst Richard Giragosian believes there is a chance for a unprecedented rapprochement: “The Azerbaijani moderation is really inspiring. I believe a true progress on basic principles is very likely. However it’s not about the principles of resolution of the conflict, but more about principles of how to organize and conduct the talks. It is very important to have common understanding of dress code, level of threats voiced prior to meetings, as well as stylistics of statements following the talks.”

Although official Yerevan has not made comments before the meeting, however sources leaked that president is keen to contribute to bringing the talk to  “absolutely unprecedented level of almost resolving the conflict”. Source expressed hope that the Azerbaijani side will be consistent, too and will also make efforts to making it as breakthroughish as possible.”

“If previous close-to-breakthrough talks were some inches away from reaching a breakthrough,  this one will be unique in making it just a few micro… millimeters away from breakthrough. There will be much to celebrate – South Caucasus has never witnessed such a successful close-to-resolution experience,” explains the source.

OSCE Minsk Group has expressed cautious hope that there is a preliminary agreement that for over a month after the close-to-breakthrough talk, Azerbaijan will not resort to hard-core military rhetoric.

"Avatar misrepresents modern history in Armenia" Kocharyan

YEREVAN – Armenia’s second president Kocharyan has sued the creators of the epic movie “Avatar” for sarcastically smearing his political career and “libel”. The representative of the ex-president claimed there is evident parallel and mockery between the plot of “Avatar” and Armenia’s modern history.

Attorney Sargis Payan explains Kocharyan’s decision: “It is obvious that the movie is a cheap slap at ex-president’s political career. I mean look at the facts – Cameron depicts a gang taking over a country, taking over resources of the country, using funny accents and abundantly resorting to violence to chill off tensions. It’s an open-ended political smear.”

Interestingly, this is a second similar case after one filed against “Hraparak” daily. The only  difference is that Hraparak’s article smeared Kocharyan’s name at just about 6 mln AMD, while “Avatar” struck a bigger blow.

Yerevan central court of first instance has already subpoenaed James Cameron to show up at May 27 preliminary hearing. Sources report rampant chaos and panic amid Cameron’s friends and family:

“Frankly, the lawsuit came as a surprise, since we had tried to find a settlement from the very beginning,” Cameron’s legal man Andy Jackson says. “We suggested they send us a disclaimer text that we publicize by building a new movie on it that depicts people welcoming the tyranny  or picturing the military gang as cool and well-meaning people. However, before we knew it, we held a subpoena in our hands…”

The court case spread concern among diplomatic corpse of US. British and French Ambassadors visited James Cameron’s studio expressing support. Source report Pan Ki-Mun stopping by for a quick ‘cheer-up’ with the “Avatar” staff.

"Yes, the parody is an obvious and harsh one, but still you just don't sue movie director for that. That's just not democratic", Sakunts

The other issue is about the size of the reimbursement demanded. As we inquired why the Kocharyans request 6 billion USD as “moral compensation”, attorney Payan retorted: “Only 3  billion of that sum is to cover legal services. The other 3 billion is what US law allows for and which, inadvertently, fully coincides with the size of moral damage inflicted on the ex-president public credit who lost 35-40 % chances for an active political future.”

Human Rights activist Artur Sakunts  calls the case “a severe blow to freedom of media in Armenia.”  “This is a clear-cut attempt to silence free movie industry and financially cripple their functionality. Is “Avatar” an explicitly insulting mockery of Kocharyan’s rule – absolutely yes, however responding to it with a lawsuit is just an authoritarian whim.”

The spokesman of the second president  Viktor Soghomonyan believes “Avatar” and Hraparak’s controversial article carry identical penmanship. “Clearly, both the movie and the article were produced by the opposition forces with Zionist support behind their back. Both render open smear-attack at the ex-president and libel has and will be punished harshly regardless of geography.”

The court case, where James Cameron is called in as respondent, will take place on May 27 and our journalist team  will closely follow and cover the process of recovering the dignity and  harmed political credit of the second president.

Kardashian challenges patriotism among Azerbaijani youth

BAKU –  On Monday Azerbaijan’s secret services busted two students  from Baku State Engineering University after Heidar Aliev, catching them red-handed – indulging in anti-Azerbaijani erotica. Lobzik Byul-Byul (18 years old) and Heidar Azikyv (19 years old) are expected to face charges of high-treason for “succumbing to occupant pornography”.

Friends and family of the traitors have harshly condemned Lobzik and his peer. Lobzik’s uncle told the reporters on Tuesday: “He deserves the most severe punishment… all these years we thought we are raising a patriotic young Azeri boy only to be eventually disappointed by this pro-Armenian manifesto. Just to think – I taught him his first anti-Armenian jokes, I can’t believe he could betray us so filthily..”

The Azeri pride-jackers have violated Azerbaijan’s constitutional stipulation on patriotism adopted in 2003 which qualifies this act as a betrayal of motherland, territorial integrity and Azerbaijani ladies.

Spokesman of Azerbaijani National Security Service after Heidar Aliev announced on Tuesday: “This is the second case of Azerbaijani young men embracing anti-Azerbaijani erotic fantasies, provoked by the Armenian Diaspora. This is a part of the information war and every citizen of Azerbaijan needs to be prepared to resist the anti-Azeri temptations”.

Safura urges capital punishment to erotic traitors

Ministry of Education of Azerbaijan after Heidar Aliev considers this a consequence of lack of awareness among youth on Azerbaijan’s hot women. Minister Tophique Mahmedov says: “We need to promote our local potential in magazines and manuals, so the new generation does not get carried away with politically incorrect breast of Kardashian or other separatist pornography”.

All political parties of Azerbaijan have condemned the young traitors and called on intensifying information war. Gyulab Mamedov, Member of “Yeni Azerbaijan” party after Heidar Aliev, proposed a list of Azerbaijan’s actresses and singers to be recommended to youngsters of transitional age.

Political analyst Yusuf  Bldughlu suggests a systematic approach to the issues: “The time that young men spend on fantasizing about Kardashian should be spent on fantasizing about returning Karabakh. Not only is it equally enjoyable but also patriotically reinforcing”.

Law enforcement agencies and information security services are currently taking measures to remove all images of Kim Kardashian from newspaper-stands, torrents and hard disks of young men in the Republic of Azerbaijan after Heidar Aliev.

Sources report that Eurovision beauty Safura took the incident as a slap in her face  and is currently preparing a new sexy video clip.

Sergey and Narek come out of the closet as openly comedian

Sources have leaked that ArmeComedy’s board members Sergey and Narek have submitted resignation letters to USAID leaving behind development business to pursue a full-time comedy career. Although the authors refuse to comment on the leaks, several insiders confirm the rumor referring to sources from Media Desk of ArmCom’s Outreach Department.

Unlike traditional reason for resignations in Armenia, this one reportedly does not involve beating up presidential staff.

“USAID has been our home for many years and it is with sadness that I and Narek make this important decision”, says Sergey with reportedly visible tears in his non-Armenianly small eyes. “Although Development and Comedy normally go hand-in-hand, there is time when little things get in the way, one thing leads to another and next thing you know – you want to be a full-time clown.”

One of Narek’s recent Facebook status updates has reportedly stated: “There is time to do USAID stuff, and there is time to stop it for the sake of a funnier Armenia.” Analysts hesitate to comment on this message.

“I hesitate to comment on this,” shares Richard Giragosyan. “On second thoughts, there may be negative reactions from comedians in Turkey and Azerbaijan, but I don’t think Russia will let things get out of control. But it’s important they remember the significance of Iran in the region and refrain from Mohammad jokes at least for a couple of years”.  

The two Armcomedy Board members came out of the closet as openly comedian back in 2007, but have since been professionally displaced in various non-comedian projects. Sources report there is much Christmas shopping happening at the moment which keeps the Media Desk busy, but more comments and clarifications will follow in late January, 2011.

Stand up comedy-ն քեզ է սպասում

Ամերիկյան բոլոր Comedy Club-երում ընդունված է անել Open Mic` այսինքն թույլ տալ ակումբի հյուրերին դուրս գալ բեմ և մի քանի րոպեյվա ընթացքում սեփական ստենդ-ափը անել: Մենք ուզում ենք նման բան փորձարկել մեր դեկտեմբերի 18-ի Comedy Night 9-ի ժամանակ:

Փաստորեն, եթե ցանկացել եք ստենդ-ափ քոմեդիում  մասնակցել, բայց տարբեր պատճառներով չի ստացվել, այդ օրը խոսափողը բաց է: Ձեզ կտրամադրենք մինչև 5 րոպե ժամանակ ու նույնիս warm-up էլ կանենք Ձեր stand-up-ը: Ահա այսպիսի անգլերեն բառեր: Եթե առաջացավ նման ցանկություն դիմեք մեզ կամ նախորոք, կամ էլ հենց համերգի օրը: Փորձը փորձանք չի իսկ ստենդ-ափը շատ լավ բան է: