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Municipality Warning: Horny Driving in Summer Causes Accidents

Research: Short skirts distract 56% more effectively than alcohol

YEREVANAs the summer heat gains momentum in Yerevan, city authorities remind capital’s male drivers about importance of responsible driving. After a recent study revealed that a terrifying 30% of all car accidents in Yerevan occur due to horny driving of male drivers distracted by summerly dressed ladies, town hall has geared to raise public awareness.

Municipality has issued a formal warning to country’s male drivers: “As the hot weather poses new visual challenges and earthly distractions to Armenian driving men, it is important to remember that horny driving is as dangerous, or more, as drunk or drowsy driving. Yerevan city hall urges male drivers to have timely sex prior to taking to wheel.”

The issue of eye-grabbing skirts in central and several suburban areas of Yerevan has been mounting for over a decade now to reach its peak in 2011, when local research group published statistics revealing to the nation that 33% of car accidents among the male drivers are directly or semi-directly caused by spontaneous attraction to short skirts.

Municipality has declared policy of “zero tolerance towards horny drivers” and expects support from residents in fight against passion-caused car accidents. “Numbers of victims of horny driving are stunning and intimidating… We have to mobilize every resource to tackle the issue and we need help of responsible citizens,” Mayor Karen Karapetyan announced in a press meeting.

"Horny driving kills more people than cancer and Coca-Cola altogether," Hovhannisyan

Research groups’ leader Hovik Salikyan says: “It took tons of questioner filling, one-on-one questionings and analysis to prove the theory — horny driving kills more people than criminals and oligarchs altogether. It is critical — especially for young male drivers — to get laid before driving to avoid highly likely accidents in summer.”

Eduard Hovhannisyan — President of Achilles NGO that deals with traffic situation — has launched a campaign to distribute brochures among male drivers explaining the odds of passionate drive. “We have voiced concern over worked-up drivers in Yerevan for years… Today, we are launching awareness campaign involving distribution of brochures on life-saving importance of pre-driving sex, tips on ignoring hot female legs, as well small leaflet on basics of handjob for single drivers,” says Hovhannisyan.

Multiple billboards and information materials will be spread around Yerevan in the next few weeks in close collaboration between town hall and Achilles NGO. Our news outlet also encourages Armenian to drive responsibly and stick to “passion-free drive” system of Achilles.