Non-Stop Rains Evoke Anti-British Sentiments in Armenia

by Narek

British Embassy in Armenia found itself in a midst of a massive protest demonstration this morning. Starting from mid March Armenia has been  going through what people started to call an abnormal rain season. Some chose to get extremely dissatisfied with every day rains, while others chose to simply be  pissed off, but an estimated crowd of 7000 protesters, despite the heavy rain, was determined to let the British know that such behavior would not be tolerated any longer.

In search of more details on the story ArmComedy turned to the loudest protestor, who turned out to be the organizer of the rally. Arev Der-Tsamakian, holder of dual British/Armenian citizenship and a quite unbearable Armenian accent turned out to be the founding member of “World Without Rain” foundation. “Today we wanna let the staff of British Embassy know that we are well aware of the fact that they are the ones that cause these annoying rains every day. When a population of British people in a country reaches a certain point, rains start, it’s a natural phenomenon that’s been proved by scientists over and over again.  Just look at world history, when population of Brits on British Isles started to increase, the whole country turned into an ongoing rain-making, umbrella-producing factory, once they colonized India, rains and floods took over the traditionally dry country, and George Washington proved this theory when he made rains stop by signing the declaration of independence in 1776 and deporting remaining British people.”

While scientifically the connection between the British and rains remains a somewhat gray area, the truth is that abnormal rains took over Armenia on the very day when the British Embassy in Yerevan expanded its staff from 23 to 57 people. Protesters claim that for a small country like Armenia a concentration of 57 British people is more than enough to cause rains. Protester Gagik Vardanyan, flip chart paper manufacturer, 34 says: “We know this stuff since school. It always rains in London, and every teacher of every school boy in Armenia taught him that the British have no climate, they have weather, and now they wanna turn Yerevan into another London! What’s next? Double Deckers?! Hmmm, actually those would be sweet!”

Ambassador Charles Lonsdale organized a staff meeting early this morning to find out who exactly of the British Embassy staff is causing the non-stop rains in Yerevan. Rumors say that nobody will leave the conference room until the perpetrator admits being “the Rain Man”.

While the rains go on, political analyst Alexander Iskandaryan tries to explain the situation: /translation from Russian/”I just opened Yahoo Weather website on my computer, and guess what, there have been little or no rains in London these months. After my recent visit to London I can easily tell you why. It’s because there are hardly any British in London, everyone I met was from India, Pakistan or Poland. What more facts do you need? Number of immigrants in London is in proportion to frequency of rains.” Marxist David Hakobyan sees a threat in “climate games” of the “British Empire”. “The British Empire or the UK as they call themselves today is making an attempt to colonize Armenia with these rains. In 1700s they terrified the world by simply having big boats when no-one else had. Now everyone has big boats so they came up with the rain tactics. We should stop them while we can, blow away the clouds, turn on your heating appliances…whatever it takes. By the way Karl Marx predicted the “rainy invasion” on page 63.”

Whether it is a shrewd conquest technique or simply the staff of British Embassy is causing the rains not to feel homesick, the rains go on, forcing millions of Armenians not to wash the car for days, postpone picnics and gain anti-British sentiments. As of now the staff of British Embassy is still in the conference room. Ambassador Lonsdale: “I’m serous, you guys, nobody leaves the room till we find out who’s behind this. We’ll skip the 5 o’clock tea if we have to. I’m very serious.” ArmComedy will keep you posted on any progress on that matter.